50 Silly Poems about 50 Scary Movies from the Last 50 Years

So, this is my 50^th post here. Huzzah! Having started in September, it has now been half a year of publishing once or twice a week and I feel pretty good about what I’ve been writing. I don’t know how much I’ve necessarily built an audience, but Google tells me that there is some traffic, so someone must be coming to read these things. Unless it’s just bots, and let’s assume it isn’t.

Anyway, to mark the occasion, I wanted to do something a bit different and have a laugh with a little idea that ended up being a sizable project. As a celebratory game/writing challenge, I’ve composed 50 short, silly, somewhat Seussian poems, describing a movie a year for the last 50 years.  These are not deep cuts – I’m not looking to really stump the reader, but just to offer a bit of fun in identifying the cinematic inspiration for each verse (there will be a key at the bottom). I hope you enjoy – I rather tickled myself putting them together. And I hope you keep coming back for the next 50 posts.

The 70s

1973

• On an Island in Scotland, just short of May Day,
• A fool Kingsman and virgin did willfully stray.
• But when things got too hot, he could be heard to moan.
• They were dancing outside, but he died all alone.

1974

• When the door slams, it’s over. You need not ask why.
• On meat hooks, with hammers – your friends will all die.
• You will run through the woods and then scream your lungs raw
• Till you’re covered in blood, mad. He raises his saw.

1975

• Our Mayor wants us to stay open all summer,
• Though dead kids can really be kind of a bummer.
• These big yellow barrels do not keep afloat.
• We are going to need a much, much bigger boat.

1976

• If your mom sees your dress ‘fore you go to the prom,
• You’ll get locked in the closet for sinful aplomb.
• The pig’s blood in the bucket is going to fall.
• Both gym teacher and bullies, you will burn them all.

1977

• Count the steps late at night, all these witches suspicious,
• Razor wire filling rooms and a guide dog most vicious.
• Goblin’s score makes your ears ring with discordant harmn’y.
• You may regret your choice: study’ng ballet in Germn’y.

1978

• Annie’s killed in her car. Lynda’s totally strangled;
• The poor dog’s neck is snapped. On a wall, Bob is dangled.
• Doctor Loomis sees Lonnie and gives him a fright.
• Laurie faces the Boogieman, Halloween night.

1979

• An additional guest comes aboard the Nostromo,
• It’s well lubed proboscis extending in slo-mo.
• Though the grappling hook does get stuck in the door,
• We see Ripley and Jonesy in stasis once more.

The 80s

1980

• Down at Camp Crystal Lake, also known as “Camp Blood,”
• Someone’s stalking the counselors, boots caked in mud.
• Most of the teenagers, of course, end up dead,
• But Alice with a blade, in the end, takes her head.

1981

• All the roses are red and the violets are blue.
• Harry Warden, it seems, he is killing anew.
• Candy boxes with hearts and Mabel in a dryer-
• Life in a small mining town can be dire.

1982

• Norwegians hunt dogs in their Antarctic chopper.
• A spider legged head is a real big show stopper.
• All the rest of the base, by something, get got.
• Are MacReady and Childs really human or not?

1983

• Max Renn, seeking content for CIVIC TV
• Discovers a cult/eye glass/arms company.
• Brainwashed by a cassette in chest opened fresh,
• He blows out his brains – Long live the new flesh!

1984

• The sins of the fathers have come back a’haunting
• The dreams of the children. To sleep now is daunting.
• Up the wall, Tina’s dragged by an unseen assailant.
• So Nancy, into survival, must grow more battailant.  (it’s a word – thanks thesaurus)

1985

• The third in a series of dead folks still walking –
• The soldiers and scientists each other mocking.
• Rhodes gets his comeuppance, Bub shoots and salutes.
• Let’s fly to an island for tropical fruits.

1986

• Seymour gave Twoey plant food, but it wanted blood,
• Had a chance to lift himself up out of the mud,
• But the murder and feedings were not his forté.
• In the director’s cut, he becomes an entrée.

1987

• A carton of maggots, a bottle of blood –
• Nanook’s a good doggie and Sam is his bud.
• The Frog brother’s give him Destroy all Vampires!
• His grampa’s stuffed beavers don’t get many buyers.

1988

• Gets her son a “Good Guy” doll from a homeless toy seller,
• Not knowing a killer in this doll’s a dweller.
• She may blow him away with a pistol attack,
• “Ade due damballa!” He always comes back.

1989

• Heed the warning of th’jogger who’s hit by a truck:
• Resurrecting the dead’s gonna bring you bad luck.
• If you bring back the cat, it’s a real bad trend setter.
• Just trust me, ayup, sometimes dead is better.

The 90s

1990

• A Vietnam vet eyeing disturbing sights,
• Maybe drugged by the army to do well in fights.
• But his chiropractor quotes Meister Eckhart –
• These angels, not devils, some peace do impart.

1991

• Finding cannibal children who live in the walls,
• Fool fights “Daddy” (and “Mommy,” as his sister he calls).
• Gold enough for the rent and for mom’s operation –
• It’s kind of a fable of gentrification.

1992

• “Be my victim,” he sighs while he’s scrapping his hook,
• Drawn to her as belief Helen’s research has shook.
• Their mouths close together, his quite full of bees.
• In the end, they are only just ash on the breeze.

1993

• On motorbikes sex acts are to be deterred,
• But when your girlfriend is dead, Trioxin’s the word.
• With long spikes, nails, and glass, Julie’s pierced and adorned,
• But the young undead lovers are tragically burned.

1994

• A new meta spin on a dream master classic,
• Placating the force that inspired the past flick:
• So now Robert is painting, and Wes writes a script.
• Into Heather’s real life, this night terror has slipped.

1995

• In the Mojave desert, the Puritan’s cult
• Try to sacrifice someone but flub the result.
• Now, thirteen years later, D’Amour gets a case.
• Dorothea’s dead husband puts Nix in his place.

1996

• Poor Bonnie has burn scars all over her person.
• Her bully’s blonde hairdo, Rochelle seeks to worsen.
• “We are the weirdo’s,” Nancy tells the bus driver.
• Though Sarah’s tried suicide, she’s the survivor.

1997

• A Gainesville attorney who has never lost
• Will do what he has to no matter the cost.
• Though his temptations lead him t’the edge of perdition,
• He seemingly foils John Milton’s ambition.

1998

• John Stewart succumbs to the pen in his eye.
• To prove yourself human, take this and get high.
• Only run when you’re chased, dehydrate the queen squid.
• In the end, you’ll give in to conformity, kid.

1999

• In the woods of north Burkittsville, there’s some folklore.
• Kids wanting to film there are seen nevermore.
• While you may be tempted to be a map scorner,
• If you do, you might find yourself stood in the corner.

The 2000’s

2000

• Metaphorical menses, Canadian lupine –
• These two teen sisters now face a lunar length deadline.
• They used to do art projects morbid and gory,
• But do Ginger and Brigette deserve their sad story?

2001

• A live bomb in the courtyard, dead boy in the tank.
• Hide the gold with the orphans and not in the bank.
• The ghost blood floating upward, Jacinto’s the cause.
• He will get what he’s due, for the killer he was.  

2002

• These are real angry monkeys – let’s not set them free,
• Or from the infected we’ll all have to flee.
• To survive, Jim will have to succumb to his rage.
• To kill rapey soldiers, free the one in the cage.

2003

• It’s New French Extremity – big third act twist.
• This guest with a straight razor wants to be kissed.
• She will kill your whole family and more in the end,
• While she still really thinks that she is your best friend.

2004

• Diet Coke and an ice cream to start the day right,
• Then get Liz and your mother before taking flight.
• At the Winchester, wait out this plague of the dead
• And then finally hang out with Ed in the shed.

2005

• A tragic car accident – one ill-placed pipe.
• Will this cave dive help Sarah or is it just hype?
• Juno’s not to be trusted – see, Beth has her chain.
• Out of blood, Sarah rises to bring on the pain.

2006

• Mockumentary horror: the dawn of a slasher
• Who will get his head crushed in an apple juice masher.
• That she’s really the final girl is a surprise.
• After filming his exploits, she did not surmise.

2007

• Respect the traditions the night of Samhain
• Lest your cervical vertebrae be sliced in twain.
• Leave eight Jack o’ Lanterns to honor the dead
• Or the ghosts of the children your hot blood will shed.

2008

• Just a lonely young Swede, who is bullied by all,
• Tap a message in Morse code on your bedroom wall.
• Your alluring new neighbor of uncertain gender
• Is a ruthless vampire, both brutal and tender.

2009

• Velvet ribbons adorning her wrists and her neck,
• With threats to keep worried new siblings in check.
• Piano playing’s impressive – her painting’s real wild,
• But obsession and wrath are the strengths of this child.

The 2010s

2010

• To their fix-er-up cabin come two backwoods buds.
• Due to misunderstanding, the gore comes in floods.
• College students keep killing themselves for no reason.
• It seems nitwits are something they need expertise in.

2011

• The harbinger warns to turn back on your path.
• At this rustic cottage awaits a bloodbath.
• It is all orchestrated to keep evil packed in.
• Just one piece of advice: You should not read the Latin!

2012

• A sound engineer who could not be more British
• Around these Italians gets really quite skittish.
• Watermelons are smashed and a cabbage is stabbed.
• Out of their nest, chicks are brutally grabbed.

2013

• On just one night a year, all the laws are suspended.
• The New Founding Fathers, all crime have commended.
• Tightly locked in your castle to wait the night through,
• If your neighbors don’t like you, you’ll sure get a clue.

2014

• Ling’ring grief for a husband, a difficult brat –
• A new picture book summons a spook in a hat.
• Try as hard as you like, he will not go away,
• But he’ll oddly become a queer icon one day.

2015

• Post expulsion by Puritans with a black goat,
• Keep your eye on the baby, or his blood will broom coat.
• Coughing up a whole apple, give milk to a crow –
• Wouldst thou like taste of butter? Sign here, up you go.

2016

• Explore under the surface – there’s hist’ry of crimes.
• Invested with power to avenge Salem times.
• Neither father nor son really at all to blame –
• That their end is so gruesome is rather a shame.

2017

• Quite uncomfortable visiting whites over-friendly,
• Brain-swap-slavery scheme and a family most deadly.
• Block the sunken place out, cotton picked from your seat –
• Your friend always says TSA can’t be beat.

2018

• Susie lives in Berlin now – yes that includes her.
• Be the hands of the troupe – the new Volk lead dancer.
• The dark drive to power, the ghosts of fascism –
• Which mother to follow? A company schism.

2019

• Depressed sister chose family asphyxiation.
• This could be an odd time for a Nordic vacation.
• You should warn your bad boyfriend to try more to care,
• Or he’s going to wind up inside of a bear.

The 2020s

2020

• Get stabbed by a psycho and th’next day you’ll see
• What it’s like to be fright’ning and stand while you pee.
• Try convincing your friends that you don’t mean to maim
• While the killer with your face tries doing the same.

2021

• Disappear if you want – break your nose, cut your hair.
• Your adoptive dad grooves when he hears She’s not there.
• And though many a needle into ear is shoved,
• It’s really a story about being loved.

2022

• A reflexive re-quel, about what it is,
• Discussing “the rules” of the horror film biz –
• The legacy trio returns to Woodsboro
• To fight killers in masks; it’s a story they know.

Ok, yeesh. Poems are hard work. I hope you’ve had some fun – there’s a key after the pic.

KEY: 1973 – The Wicker Man; 1974 – The Texas Chainsaw Massacre; 1975 – Jaws; 1976 – Carrie; 1977 – Suspiria; 1978 – Halloween; 1979 – Alien; 1980 – Friday the 13^th; 1981 – My Bloody Valentine; 1982 – The Thing; 1983 – Videodrome; 1984 – A Nightmare on Elm Street; 1985 – Day of the Dead; 1986 – Little Shop pf Horrors; 1987 – The Lost Boys; 1988 – Child’s Play; 1989 – Pet Sematary; 1990 – Jacob’s Ladder; 1991 – The People Under the Stairs; 1992 – Candyman; 1993 – Return of the Living Dead III; 1994 – Wes Craven’s New Nightmare; 1995 – Lord of Illusions; 1996 – The Craft; 1997 – The Devil’s Advocate; 1998 – The Faculty; 1999 – The Blair Witch Project; 2000 – Ginger Snaps; 2001 – The Devil’s Backbone; 2002 – 28 Days Later; 2003 – High Tension; 2004 – Shaun of the Dead; 2005 – The Descent; 2006 – Behind the Mask; 2007 – Trick ‘r Treat; 2008 – Let the Right One In; 2009 – Orphan; 2010 – Tucker and Dale vs. Evil; 2011 – The Cabin in the Woods; 2012 – Berberian Sound Studio; 2013 – The Purge; 2014 – The Babadook; 2015 – The VVitch; 2016 – The Autopsy of Jane Doe; 2017 – Get Out; 2018 – Suspiria; 2019 – Midsommar; 2020 – Freaky; 2021 – Titane; 2022 – Scream